Sequels
by Chapin CSI
Summary: Slash. Short sequels to episodes from TOS, and maybe movies too. Humor... drama... and Romance. New: A sequel to "Requiem for Methuselah". Jim handled Spock's confession badly. Can he make amends?
1. Wrath of Khan AU Epilogue

SEQUELS

NOTE: This is a new series. I plan to write short sequels to episodes from the original series, (and maybe a movie or two). There's a sequel for Requiem for Methuselah in the works. But first…

AU Sequel to Wrath of Khan

Oh, yes, it's definitely AU, since Spock returns to Earth with the crew of the Enterprise.

Note: I awoke at three in the morning, and suddenly, this occurred to me. That's what happens when you watch WOK and TSFS six times in only two days...

* * *

_Acting Captain's Log. "… with most of the crew reassigned, the Enterprise feels like a house with all the children gone. But we are home. We are safe. After our near-fatal encounter with Khan, the sight of star base is all the sweeter..." _

There were only three officers awaiting final docking instructions; Jim, Spock, and Saavik. They had elected to stay in the bridge while the rest of the crew prepared for general inspection.

Once the docking of the ship was out of her hands, Lieutenant Saavik purposefully rose from her seat and approached the Captain's chair.

Jim looked up.

"Yes?"

"Permission to speak freely, Admiral."

Jim winced.

"Again, Lieutenant?"

"Admiral, I beg your pardon if my inquiries have been numerous and bothersome, but -"

"It's quite all right, Lieutenant. What's in your mind?"

"I have a question, sir. This time, however, there is a personal issue involved."

"Oh?" He studied her for a moment. "Well, go ahead, Lieutenant. Anything you say will remain between us. And Captain Spock," he added, for Spock was sitting at his Science Console and well within hearing range. That Spock could elect to listen or not was understood.

"Actually," Saavik said, "My inquiry involves Captain Spock, too."

This time Spock half-turned.

"Am I allowed to listen in to this inquiry of yours, Lieutenant?"

"Yes, Captain. I would never go behind your back in a matter such as this."

Spock rose and approached them. With hands clasped behind his back, he stood next to Kirk.

"All right, Lieutenant," Jim said, nodding at her to go on.

"It is a delicate subject, sir. Were it not for its ramifications, I would not dare to bring it up. However -"

"Out with it, Saavik; I'll be the judge of how delicate this subject is –and how proper your bringing it up is."

"Yes." She raised her chin, stared ahead, and continued, "It is about your general behavior during this crisis, sir. You and Captain Spock…" She hesitated, "I do not know quite how to put it, sir. You seemed to know what the other was thinking; words weren't necessary and even when they were, only the two of you knew what their real meaning was."

"Well, Lieutenant," Spock said. "When two men have been together for so long -"

"-as commanders of a ship," Jim added quickly.

"Yes," Spock said, acknowledging Jim's interruption. "When two men have been commanders of a ship for years at a time, it is only natural for them to develop a certain affinity."

"We are _friends_, Lieutenant," Jim said more simply.

"Yes, I see," she said, clearly not seeing it all. "There is, however, another possibility."

"Oh?" Jim said, "What possibility is that?"

"That you -" she paused. "That the two of you…" She stopped again, then, more determinedly, she finished. "That the two of you have a relationship that goes beyond that of a mere friendship."

Jim tilted his head.

"And what kind of relationship would that be, Lieutenant?"

"A deeper relationship, Admiral. If -if you and Captain Spock are lovers, then -"

"Ah," Jim smiled good-naturedly. He glanced at Spock. "The old rumor hasn't died, I see."

"It is bound to be revived from time to time, Admiral," Spock said. "Especially after completing a difficult mission such as this one."

"Yes. Well, Lieutenant, I have never bothered to dispel any rumors about myself. I'm not interested in discussing them either; if that's all -"

"I beg your pardon, Admiral. Let me assure you; I have no judgment to make on the matter. Your personal arrangements are of no concern to me. But if there is an explanation to your seamless behavior, then I would like to know what it is." Softening a little, she added, "I aspire to have my own command some day, Admiral. I would appreciate it if you told me the truth."

"You mean if I told you the secret of my success."

"There _is_ a secret_,_ then," she noted.

Smiling charmingly, Jim said, "I don't suppose you'd believe me if I told you that having a top crew and the best ship in Starfleet is all one needs."

"No, sir."

Saavik was obviously immune to Kirk's charm. Stubbornly, she added, "I believe it is your relationship with Captain Spock that makes all the difference."

"I agree," Jim said, "However -"

"Admiral, if I may," Spock said, "Lieutenant. The Admiral and I have known each other for over twenty-five years. We have worked together just as long. That is our one and only secret."

"Age?" she asked with no irony.

"_Endurance_," Jim countered.

"Tolerance," Spock added.

"And loyalty, of course." Jim said. He glanced at Spock, "It helps if your shipmate has a complete lack of ego issues."

Spock nodded at Jim, then turned to Saavik.

"We could offer you a full list of personal qualities and attributes, Lieutenant. And yet, I believe I can sum up our success in just a few words: _We've been lucky_."

"LUCKY?" she asked indignantly, her eyebrows raised in what, for her, was a full show of emotion. "_Lucky_?"

"Lucky to have the right ship," Jim said, nodding; "Lucky to have the right crew, and the right combination of personal qualities. That is all, Lieutenant."

Saavik looked at the two of them. They stare back at her.

She opened her mouth once, twice, and then finally, she gave up.

"Thank you, sir. If you will excuse me," she added, and she strode out of the bridge.

Jim and Spock watched her go.

"Do you think we convinced her?" Jim asked.

Spock shook his head noncommittally.

"I expect more inquiries from her, Admiral."

Jim glanced at Spock.

"You were right, you know; we've been lucky, you and me. We have the right combination of skills, we communicate well -"

"Yes, we do," Spock said. He was silent for a moment, then, "We also have outstanding sex."

"Yeah," Jim said. "That helps."

---------

The End


	2. Metamorphosis epilogue

A sequel to "Metamorphosis"

Maybe 'epilogue' is the right word to describe the stories here.

* * *

Jim Kirk poured some brandy into his glass and for a brief moment stared into the deep-red liquid, lost in his own thoughts. It wasn't till someone discreetly cleared his throat that Jim remembered he wasn't alone.

He looked up. Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock were there, each holding a glass and looking expectantly at him.

"Gentlemen," Jim said, "Thank you for being here. It's been a long day, but I didn't want to let it end without a last word for the man we left behind. _And _his companion," he added, picturing the former Nancy Hedford, now a different woman -an Eve for Zephram Cochrane's Adam.

"Well, you know I'm always up for a night cap," McCoy said, giving an appreciative glance at his glass. "Especially if it's a rare Brandy like this one. But I'm afraid you're wasting it on Spock, here."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"It is true that I usually avoid hard liquors, Doctor, but this is a special occasion." He glanced at Jim.

Taking the cue, Jim raised his glass. "To Zephram Cochrane," he said. "May his noble gesture be an example to all of us: He eschewed riches and glory for true love."

Spock dutifully raised his glass but McCoy simply downed the drink in one gulp.

"Poor bastard," he muttered.

Jim paused. "What do you mean, poor bastard?"

"Oh, sure, he's happy now," McCoy said, unceremoniously reaching for the bottle of brandy, "Give him a couple of years, _then_ ask him what he thinks of his so-called noble decision."

"Do you think he's gonna regret it?"

"Sure, he will."

"Oh, I don't think so," Jim said, "He's in love. They're both in love. Most importantly, they're all they've got."

"Yeah. _Poor bastards_." McCoy poured himself a drink, downed it, then poured himself another. "Imagine waking up to the same person every day... With no relief in the horizon. Imagine trying to do your best to please the other yet knowing all along that no matter what you do it's not gonna make any difference, 'cause you have no frigging idea what it is that she wants; and even though you keep asking her, she's incapable of telling you what she wants but expects you to know all the same!" He took a deep breath, then took a deep draught of brandy. "Only you're not a fucking telepath so how the hell can you guess what she wants?"

Jim and Spock glanced at each other. They'd seen Bones like this before.

"Take it easy, Bones," Jim said gently.

"What do you mean, take it easy?" McCoy said haughtily. "I'm perfectly all right."

Jim smiled indulgently. "Bones. Be fair. Just because marriage didn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for Zephram. They'll stick together." He frowned over what he'd just said, then winced at a sudden realization. "They have no alternative, do they?"

"You see it, too?" McCoy said. "Poor bastard," he muttered again. He raised his glass but seemed surprised to see it was only half-filled. He took only a cautious sip this time.

"What do you think?" Jim said, glancing at Spock. "Are they gonna make it or not?"

"I have no basis to make a pronouncement on the matter, Captain."

"What do you mean you have no basis? What about you and me? We're together; we're doing fine -"

"It is hardly the same situation, Jim. We are not alone in the Enterprise; you and I have enough activities to keep us apart for days -"

Jim smiled. "And you believe absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

Spock merely took a sip of his wine.

Jim sighed "Did I make a mistake leaving him there, you think?"

"It was Zephram's decision, Jim." He was silent for a moment. "Their lives will hardly be boring," he said tentatively.

"Or easy," Jim said. He took a sip of his brandy. "I suppose hardship could straighten their relationship. Or damage it," he added with a wince.

"Solitude can have an effect, too," Spock said. "Oftentimes, couples benefit from the presence of others."

"You mean, children?"

Spock shrugged slightly. "I was thinking of anyone one might care for, Jim. Someone that unites two in a single cause."

"A child would do that," Jim said.

"Or a pet," Spock said in all seriousness.

"A pet?"

"Or a friend," Spock said. And he pointedly glanced at McCoy, standing in the corner. From the unsteady way he was leaning on the table, it was clear that he was going to need help in getting to his quarters.

McCoy suddenly noticed the other two looking at him. "What?" he asked belligerently.

Jim smiled. "Nothing, Bones. I merely wanted to propose a new toast: for good friends who unite us in a single cause."


	3. Requiem to Methuselah

Sequel to 'Requiem for Methuselah'

Part one

I haven't seen that episode, but the scene I describe in italics is in Youtube. You may notice I took some liberties with McCoy's monologue…

* * *

_Jim Kirk was hunched over his desk, forehead resting on his hands, seemingly asleep. _

_Watching him from afar were his closest friends, Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock. _

_"-Jim's depression worries me, Spock," McCoy was saying; "I'd never seen him like this. His pain over this girl's death could seriously impair his ability to command." _

_Spock didn't reply; his eyes, inscrutable as ever, remained on Jim. _

_Spock's silence seemed to bother McCoy. That's the only explanation for what he said next. _

_"You don't understand, do you, Spock?" He waited till Spock looked up to say, "You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him; you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to; the ecstasies, the miseries, the glorious failures, and the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know, simply because the word "love" isn't written in your book." He gave Jim one last compassionate look, then, nodding curtly at Spock, said 'good night' and left. _

_Alone with Jim, Spock stood in the corner, seemingly indecisive as to what to do next. He regarded the Captain for a few minutes, then he slowly straightened up, as if he'd come to some kind of decision. He walked up to the desk until he was standing right next to the Captain. Tentatively, as if afraid that any sudden movement might wake up Jim, Spock reached out and gently touched the despondent man's temple. Once he did, he raised his gaze and, seemingly staring at nothing, he whispered, 'Forget.'_

"Stop," Jim Kirk said, and that last scene remained frozen on the screen of his desk computer.

For a moment, neither he nor the man standing beside him spoke or even moved.

Finally, Jim looked up.

"You didn't think I'd find out about it?"

Mr. Spock, his eyes still locked on the image on the screen, didn't reply. He only shook his head uncertainly, like a man who's trying to clear his head after a bad dream. At least, that's how it looked to Jim.

"Mr. Spock," Jim said sternly, "I asked you a question!"

Spock looked up.

"You were in pain," he said simply. "The doctor said you might be -"

"I know what the doctor said!" Jim retorted, "And don't tell me you were only following the Doctor's orders; you've never done that!"

"I didn't mean to imply that I did," Spock said quietly. "Jim... I wanted to help you."

"Help me? Spock! Don't you realize what you did? You robbed me!"

Spock blinked in confusion.

"That was not my intention."

"But that's what you did!" He grabbed Spock's arm. "Spock! You robbed me of my memories of her! Can't you see?"

Spock took the words literally; his eyes fell on the screen again. He was looking at it, but there was something in his eyes that told Jim he was doing more than that. Spock was looking _inside, _too. He was reviewing what was happening the way he did whenever he faced a problem on the bridge, and the fact angered Jim all the more more.

"Say something!" Jim urged, and this time Spock winced. Jim was digging into his arm, and the realization took both by surprise. Jim dropped his hand immediately; he was angry, yes, but hurting Spock was the last thing he wanted to do. Uncomfortably, he took a step away and then leant on the desk, as if that had been his intention all along.

It took him a moment to calm down.

"I thought you were my friend," he said bitterly.

Spock raised his gaze.

"I _am_ your friend."

"Are you? Are those the actions of a friend?" Jim waved at the computer, "Sneak behind someone's back while he's unable to defend himself?"

Spock looked at the screen again.

"Your memories of her were causing you pain," he said quietly, "A depression would have interfered with your obligations; therefore, I -"

"So, I can't be human?" Jim replied. "Is that it, Spock? Are you so much like a machine, you can't accept that I'm human -flawed and prone to make mistakes once in a while? You simply decided my pain was an inconvenience to the Enterprise, _therefore,_ you reached into my head and like a thief -" He stopped. All along, Jim had been trying to understand the Vulcan's intentions –maybe find something that would justify what he did and make it acceptable. But it was painfully obvious that Spock had merely assessed a situation and coldly acted upon it.

"Did it ever occur to you that I might want to mourn her?" Jim asked. "Or that I might want to remember what her touch felt like? Just because you don't know what love is, you can't accept those feelings in others?" He shook his head. "We can't all be logical, Spock; mechanical, insensitive to other people's pain. I can't be like you –nor would I want to! And what are you going to do the next time you think my feelings are getting in the way of my command? Are you going to enter my mind like you did this time –enter it like a parasite- and excise any thing that you don't approve of?"

Spock was appalled.

"Captain," he said, "I would never -"

"_'Never'_, Spock?" Jim replied. "You already did. You betrayed me; and you did it just like you do everything in life –coldly and methodically. _Logically_. I used to think your insensitivity was an asset," he said. He smiled ironically. "I used to defend you when others accused you of being more like a machine than a man –a machine with no feelings and no tolerance for humans' imperfections. But I was wrong. And now I can't trust you anymore."

Exhausted, Jim sat heavily on his chair. He regretted each and every word he'd said, though not for Spock; he regretted being forced to say them. He'd trusted Spock with his life; the Vulcan's betrayal hurt him to his very core. The thought of Spock examining his most intimate thoughts... It was completely disgusting.

He leant on his desk, in a position that was unintentionally similar to the one on the screen. But then, he was just as crushed now as he'd been back then.

When he raised his gaze again, he realized Spock was still in the room. The Vulcan had started for the door but stopped after a few paces. Now he stood in the middle of the room, shoulders uncharacteristically slumped, his gaze on the floor.

Jim leant back. "Do you have anything to say, Mr. Spock? Otherwise, I'd rather you leave."

Spock half-turned, then thought better of it. Evidently, whatever he was about to say would be easier if he did not have to face Jim.

"You were right, Captain. I overstepped my boundaries."

Jim sighed. He wanted Spock to be sorry for what he did, but he didn't need to see him so defeated. He was searching for a way to explain this, but Spock wasn't finished yet.

"There is one point I would like to clarify, however;" he said quietly. "While it is true that I cannot experience feelings the way a human would, or feel pain the way you do, I -" He paused for a few seconds. "I have felt love," he said. He paused, but not for long. There was a subtle change in his demeanor now. He straightened up, and when he spoke, something close to pride colored the words he said. "I have felt love. Utter. Encompassing. _Love_. I have loved for _years_." He said it as if he marveled at the fact.

"There was never a reason for me to say anything," he said softly. "I had not expectations of any kind. I felt, and that was enough. But then one day, an opportunity to honor those feelings arose. A chance to spare _him_ the pain and the agony of his loss. How could I not take it?

"It was unforgivable, I can see that now; a betrayal." He paused. "But I've been punished. Because in the few seconds I stayed in his mind, I found out… I finally found out what _his_ love is like. I saw all that will never – can never – be mine. The love… and the sweet agony… and the passion. They're for others, and not for me."

Spock faltered, as if words were all that were holding him together. Emotionally drained, it took him a moment to put himself together.

Finally, he turned. He was able to confront Jim as serenely as if they'd only been discussing the ship.

"And now _you_ know my inner thoughts, Jim."

Jim, who had not moved a muscle since Spock began his confession, could only look at him as if for the first time ever. Spock was watching him too, a certain expectation in his eyes. He was obviously waiting for a sign from Jim. A word, a gesture -anything that would tell how him things stood between them.

There was hope in his eyes…

But Jim was too astonished to reply.

To Spock, it was as if Jim had spoken aloud.

"I shall render my resignation, of course," he said softly. He paused for a few seconds, and then he abandoned the room.

* * *

TBC


	4. Requiem to Methuselah part 2

Sequel to 'Requiem for Methuselah'.

Part two

Note: I'm a big fan of Spock and TOS but I really don't have a grasp of the science behind it nor Vulcan mythology...

* * *

Jim Kirk lay in bed in the semi dark. Having given up on sleep, he stared at the ceiling, his attention drawn to the shadowy recesses in it. He was frowning at them, actually; he couldn't quite understand how anyone could sleep in the same room for over three years and not notice the strange angles present in his own ceiling.

There were lots of things he didn't know, apparently. He didn't know this room, he didn't know the people he worked with -

But he didn't want to think about that. Instead, he closed his eyes and covered them with his arm. It didn't help much; what he needed was a sleeping aid. One call to Sickbay would have solved this little problem, but any request from him would have go to Dr. McCoy, and Jim didn't want to talk to him right now; not after the conversation they'd had earlier that day.

Jim had confronted him just like he did Spock but unlike the first Officer, Bones had been less than repentant.

"You can't put my loyalty into question!" he'd snapped before Jim could finish. "My opinions were harsh -I grant you that; I said more than I should have -yeah, probably. But I'm not taking anything back!" He waved at Jim's computer, "And if you believe I goaded Spock into taking a chunk of your memory, all I can say is: I'm not sorry he did!"

"Is that all you have to say?" Jim had asked sternly.

But instead of replying, McCoy studied the image of Spock touching Jim's temple.

"Good God," he muttered. "No wonder you were back on your feet so soon." He looked up. "You haven't showed him this, have you?"

"No," Jim said curtly.

"Good. I don't think he'll want to talk about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know what he did is highly irregular, don't you?"

"Irregular?" Jim said incredulously. "That's not the way I'd put it!"

"From a Vulcan's point of view, I mean."

"I know that a Vulcan must ask permission before making contact with somebody," Jim said angrily; "He didn't ask for any. He stole my memories, my pain -"

"Oh, your pain," McCoy scoffed. His dismissal took Jim by surprise and he knew it. "You won't be getting much sympathy from me, Jim," he said dryly. "Let me ask you this," he added. "Do you remember Gary Mitchell?" He paused, but not enough to let Jim answer. "Do you remember Carol Marcus? Or Talaya, or Megan 4, or Ceilita Kumax -"

"Yes," Jim said, frowning.

"They were your lovers, Jim. Each one of them. Once upon a time."

"I know."

"And you were devastated after they were gone," McCoy said. "Sometimes it looked like you'd never recover," he added. "And yet you fell in love again. And again."

"What are you saying?" Jim said hotly. "That my feelings for Rayna weren't genuine? Or that I didn't love Carol, or -"

McCoy raised a hand.

"Relax, Jim; that's not what I'm trying to say here. I'm just trying to make you see this from a different perspective; you know, before you barge into Spock's room and accuse him of disloyalty or worse. Jim, there have been times when you were so immersed in your personal pain you couldn't quite function as a leader. Spock's covered for you every time. He didn't mind. But this time your pain was too overwhelming for even him to ignore. He was only trying to help you." Bones looked at the screen again. He shook his head. "Poor Spock."

"Poor _Spock_?"

"Jim, Spock didn't 'rob' you. What he did wasn't as simple as removing something and discarding it, like a tumor. He _shared_ your pain. He assimilated it, then gave it a place within himself."

Jim looked at the screen again.

"Is that what he did?"

Bones nodded.

"That's what a Vulcan does."

---

Jim rolled out of bed and paced about his room.

He'd spent the entire day like this, it seemed -restlessly looking for something to do while fate thwarted him every time. The day had been excruciatingly uneventful.

At one point he had even demanded that Sulu and Uhura checked and double-checked their instruments after they failed to detect anything out of the ordinary. Not that it made any difference; there was nothing out there, only space, infinite and peaceful.

Where were Klingons when you needed them?

At least Spock hadn't been on the bridge; it was Wednesday, the day he'd set aside to perform his duties as Science Officer. With him gone, Jim was able to put off their last conversation and its possible consequences.

He still didn't want to think about it.

Jim Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, celebrated for his capacity to solve entire civilizations' troubles, was sadly unfit to deal with his own. Introspection just wasn't his forte. Whenever a moral issue arose in the course of his job, he let Bones and Spock discuss it between themselves, with him acting as a mediator. He'd made lots of decisions, based on their input but unfortunately, he couldn't turn to them for help this time.

Jim took a deep breath, then exhaled.

"Damn," he muttered. Hard to believe things had come to this. All he'd wanted from Spock was an apology. A simple, 'I'm sorry,' would have placated him. Instead –

Jim cut that train of thought by turning to his computer. He needed something to distract him from his present dilemma.

"Any messages?" he said.

"Thirteen," the computer announced. "Two from Commodore Orlan; one from First Officer Spock; one from -"

"Stop," Jim said, "Proceed with Mr. Spock's message."

Spock's image was displayed on the screen.

"Good day, Captain," he said formally. "Regarding our last conversation, I have compiled a list of candidates for the position of First Officer. I am sending it to you on a separate file. Should you require more information on the subjects, I shall provide it immediately."

"End of message," the computer said. "Shall proceed with messages from -."

"Stop," Jim said. He stood motionless for a moment, then mechanically walked back into his bedroom, taking off his pajamas as he went.

---

Spock rose to his feet when the door opened, then straightened up when he saw it was the Captain.

Jim noticed Spock was wearing a black tunic, the one he wore whenever he did his meditation. Obviously, he wasn't getting any sleep either.

"This isn't a bad time, I hope," Jim said.

"No, Captain."

Jim let the door close behind him.

Spock was staring ahead, standing at attention as if this were an official inspection and not a visit from a fellow officer.

"At ease, Spock," Jim said good-naturedly.

"Thank you, Captain." But he didn't relax one bit.

Jim thought of their first encounter, all those years back. Spock had been extremely formal with the new Captain, pointedly resisting each and every one of Jim's friendly overtures. That Spock's attitude did eventually change was a testament to Jim's efficiency as a Captain. Simply put, Jim won him over. They became friends too, though there was a part of Spock not even Jim could reach. Vulcans were a secretive race, and Jim had accepted that fact a long time ago.

Which made Spock's sudden confession all the more difficult to understand.

Spock, of all people!

Jim didn't know what to do. He knew that telling Spock to forget the whole thing was not an option -it would only make it look like he didn't put any value in Spock's feelings- but so far it seemed like the only thing he could do.

"Spock..." he hesitated, then decided to go straight to the point; "I cannot accept your resignation."

"Permission to speak freely, Captain."

"Permission denied," Jim retorted. If Spock wanted to treat this as a formal meeting, then he would act accordingly. He was gratified to see Spock wince. Softening his tone, he added, "Look, Spock. About our last talk... I was angry; I said things I didn't mean."

"Unfortunately, I meant everything I said, Captain."

"That's not enough to warrant a resignation."

Spock started to look in Jim's direction, then checked himself.

"My behavior was most inappropriate, Captain," he said firmly; "Both as a Starfleet Officer and as a Vulcan. I violated every teaching -"

"Yes, well," Jim muttered. "We all have our bad days."

"You are very kind," Spock said courteously. "I, however, cannot condone my behavior. I wish to apologize for the distress I -"

"Apology accepted."

But his words didn't have the expected effect. Spock seemed more troubled than ever.

"I made some unfortunate comments regarding my personal feelings, Captain. I am deeply sorry."

Jim considered this. "Are you sorry that you made them, or sorry that you have them?" He studied Spock's profile for a moment. "Are you ashamed of those feelings, Spock?"

"I am not," Spock said quietly. He was silent for a moment. "But that is beside the point, Captain. My comments were uncalled for; Regulations are very specific in this case."

"Regulations." Jim said the word as if he despised it.

He felt tired, all of a sudden.

There were a couple of chairs in Spock's quarters, but Jim took a seat on a nearby bench. He sat and after a moment leant back and looked at the ceiling. And as he looked, it suddenly occurred to him that this was a familiar sight -just as if he spent more time here than he did in his own quarters. Maybe he did. He certainly liked Spock's room better; he liked everything in it, from the antiques and the wall coverings, to the faint scent of tea.

It was a peaceful place.

He glanced at Spock, only to find that Spock had been looking at him all along.

Caught staring, the First Officer studiously looked away, but not before Jim saw the naked emotion playing in Spock's eyes. Love. Pure and simple.

It was then that the enormity of Spock's words hit him. _'I have loved,'_ he'd said. Spock. In love.

_Poor Spock._

Spock looked down.

"What troubles me is my lack of self-control," he confessed. "My private views should have remained exactly that: private."

"Even if they involved me?" Jim asked. Spock didn't reply, but Jim didn't really expect him to. He sighed. "Spock… You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes... Well... Sometimes we can't help ourselves. Love always finds a way to express itself. Not with words, necessarily. What you did… What you _said_... That took guts, Spock. _I _have never -" He let the word trail off. His own words saddened him, for a reason he couldn't fathom. He scoffed. "It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, telling you about love. Compared to you, I guess I don't even know what true love is."

"Your feelings are yours alone, Jim. You should not compare them to others'".

"Can't help it," Jim said softly. He looked down. "I have loved many, Spock."

"Yes."

"I remember what I loved about each one of them..." he added. "And yet... I don't miss them."

"To pine for a love long gone would not be logical," Spock said kindly.

"Is that why you want to leave?" Jim said. "So you can forget?"

"I wish to leave because my judgment has been compromised," Spock said with a frown, as if the answer should be obvious.

"Spock, all you did was say that you loved me. It's not that terrible." he paused. "Why can't you forgive yourself? God knows you've forgiven me, time and time." He saw Spock raise an eyebrow in silent questioning. "Yes, you," Jim said, pointing at him. "And Bones, too, I suppose." He was silent for a moment. "I'm thinking of all the times you covered for me while I was in my rooms, getting over the loss of a loved one. I didn't realize till now -"

"I was only doing my duty."

Jim smiled faintly. "Spock, I'm the only Captain in the fleet who can leave his ship in his first Officer's hands and not worry about losing face." He looked up. "You've spoiled me."

Spock didn't immediately reply. "Whoever replaces me will do his job admirably, Captain."

"But they won't be you."

"An advantage, perhaps."

"No," Jim said quietly. "Spock; I can picture others sitting in that Science Officer chair, and I know that whoever gets the job, will perform to the best of his abilities. But what about friendship? What about… companionship. Love."

Spock looked away.

"Love," Jim said again, and it felt as if he'd never said the word before. Or as if he'd discovered its meaning just now. Maybe he had. He rose. "Spock… For what it's worth… I do love you."

Spock shook his head.

"Jim... No."

"No?"

"I do not want your compassion."

"It's not compassion," Jim said. "Except for me, perhaps," he added wearily. "I've been blind for so long -"

Spock was still shaking his head.

"Jim, this is not necessary -"

Jim smiled a little. "You mean I don't get a chance to tell my side of the story?"

Spock stopped.

Jim took a moment to put his thoughts in order.

It wasn't easy.

"I envy you, Spock," he said at last. "You know what you feel and you act accordingly. _My_ feelings are not as clear. I'm not good with words. I'm a man of action. I..." He paused. He was trying to explain, but didn't know how. Finally, he said, "I own a piece of land in Iowa."

"Iowa?" Spock asked. Clearly, he didn't understand what that had to do with their conversation.

"It's been in my family for generations," Jim explained. "It will be mine for keeps when I retire from Starfleet –if I want it. I just haven't made up my mind about it. My aunt Clara's been after me for years to make a decision. The last time we spoke she asked me why and I… well, I said to her, 'I just don't know if Spock will tolerate the weather.'" He chuckled at the memory.

Spock looked up sharply but didn't say anything.

"She didn't know what I was talking about," Jim said. "Neither did I. I didn't wonder why I was picturing you living in my farm with me, or why it was you and not Bones or Scotty, or Uhura." He shrugged awkwardly, "I'm just not good at examining my feelings."

Spock was stunned. "You asked me," he said . "You presented it as a hypothetical situation, but you did ask me whether I'd want to live in a farm."

Jim smiled.

"And you said you didn't have enough data to make a statement on the matter."

"You did not give me any," Spock said reasonably.

"You're right," Jim said gently. "I didn't. Like I said, I didn't know why I said those things. But it means something, doesn't it?" He looked at Spock. "I never had a better friend. I can't picture life without you in it. I… I could even accept your resignation if you promised you'll be there when I retire."

Spock was too shocked to reply.

Jim reached for Spock's arm.

"I think I know why you want to leave."

Spock gulped. He didn't shake off Jim's hand though. He only looked at it.

Encouraged, Jim took a step closer.

"Sometimes, we see something from afar," he said. "We admire it and cherish it, but only at a distance. We're afraid that if we touch it, it will disappear. Or it will disappoint us." He paused. "I've been afraid all these years."

Emboldened, Jim pulled Spock closer. With his other hand, he gently touched Spock's face. Spock hesitated, then, finally, leant into Jim's embrace.

"I am not afraid anymore."

* * *

The end


End file.
